I feel like dying...
Pardon me, but that's what is going through my mind right now.
Life is meaningless, or rather i have wasted my life and let it become meaningless.
I hate what i am doing. I hate who i am. I hate to know that i annoy people, irritate, disappoints people.
I don't know how to tell them how i feel.
I don't what to say.
Why did i live?

Things that i have been thinking about and struggling with(family), the more i think the more i don't know what to do.
I struggle with it and i don't know how to overcome or share with it.
Things that i planned or wanted to do, i didn't do them.
I hate it when i don't do them. I hate myself.
I fail to tell the closest ones around me how i feel in my heart. I am a failure.
I just keep quiet.

On Tuesday morning when i went to office, i was really down.
She and Him ignored me.
I suddenly feel so lonely in the midst of the office of 7people. I was sitting at a corner on my own.
I tried talking to them, but i received a cold shoulder.
I felt like crying. I wanted to leave the office, maybe i should quit.
The closest ones are now the furthest ones when i started working here.
Why can't HE be more understanding, I didn't go east coast cause i didn't want to. And i really have no money left in my pocket.
I don't want to borrow, or be like a beggar waiting for money to fall from the sky.
I WAS loving work the whole of last week until yesterday.
I feel like staying at home at not going work.
Maybe i shouldn't have worked there in the beginning.

I called XL and she treated me dinner and brought me to play arcade.
She is the one who knows me, and never throws cold shoulder at me.
I wanted to tell her what happened and how i felt, but those words never left my mouth.
I hate myself. I am no longer the smiley and happy girl many used to see.
She disappeared. What is left is a hypocrite. A fake.
She seems nice and loving infront of you, but she is unfeeling and disgusting.

Today, i was reluctant to go work.
Went out to eat with others but my words are numbered.
Didn't want to eat, but She treated me.(i will pay back the money)
She asked me why i seemed so low these few days, i don't know how to tell her.
I just say some things that i was supposed to have thought through are now even more unresolved.
And i said i didn't know there to take Music or Fashion.
Her reaction was critical. Her replies were SO? WHY?
Maybe my expectations are high, way too high.

He still ignored me today.
The one who made me feel that someone still cares is BIG V, said hi and asked me go makan.
After the talk at canteen with Her, i felt like leaving immediately, i wanted to be alone. I called someone to talk so that i won't look too lonely.
I almost got banged down by a truck as i was busy on the phone.
Everyone walked so far away, nobody knew.
I did not say too.

She came to talk to me. About THAT incident.
I have many things to day. But what should i say?
Yeah i agree its about the attitude behind what we do.
I really don't know what to say Her.
My justification is worthless.
I just wanted to save phone bills with my best abilities.
Sorry that i was lazy and i just email the msg for both people.
There are also many times i do things that i was not appreciated for it.
I have made phone calls to Him and no replies before, asked them to call in but nobody bothered to remember or ask at all.
I bought the chocolates and only 2other people bothered to help me out others play game.
People complain i call him too much but why did i even call?
Cause he didn't even speak longer than 5mins and he was so distracted.
And i found out that he even let others listen to the conversation when i was trying to get to know him.
If you want to talk about doing things and not feeling appreciated, there are countless. I don't remember them, i just forget.
Cause i know that i was doing it not for man, but for God.
I had birthday chalet. Who stayed over? My close sisters didn't. But the nice brothers did.
From that i know who are the really nice ones to me and makes an effort to love me. Yes, it is hard to find people who really love you.

But i know someone who Loved me even before i was born, DADDY GOD!
You made me not to give up, cause You never let go of my hand.

My family loved me too. My Ah ma, Uncle, Godma, Mum, Uncle Yap, Sis and ah gong who passed away when i was very young.
How i wished you are still alive cause i know you would loved me the most. Though my papa ran away, i am somehow thankful that he left cause mum said that he was beating me, ignoring me and throwing me on the bed even when i was a young CryIng baby.

I am whining so much here. I'm feeling much better after screaming out in words. I know that there are still people who loves me.
Thank You God for them.

And i finally massaged my ah ma's hand. I will do that everyday for her. She cried when i did that.
I know what i want to do. Stay in bishan.
Just so that i can massage her hand and her back.
Cause i did not grow up from my mama's arms but ah ma's arm. She fed me, carried me, cooked, washed, worried for me and wakes me up in the morning etc etc. And i have not been appreciating all these years. She don't need a miracle or a healing to get saved, but she needs my love EXPRESSED.